The Misadventures of Voldemort and Lucius Malfoy
by Red Princess
Summary: Voldemort has an unusual obsession with Portuguese rolls...and he loves to torture Lucius in the oddest ways...Very weird, very random.


**A/N: This is an actual dream that my sister had one night, after she had a Portuguese roll for dinner. It ends somewhere before this fanfic ends, but when she woke up, she told me about it and we continued it and turned it into this. It's really random...and really weird. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own any of the Harry Potter characters...or this story idea (that'd belong to my sister)...or certain lines inserted in random places in this fanfic (those would belong to various movies and tv shows...and the Potter Puppet Pals xD).**

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Hogwarts is in chaos. Or, at least, the outside of it is. 

Harry: Hermione! StopstopstopSTOP!! What are you doing?! –tries to pry Hermione away from the huge gate that opens into the Hogwarts school- I hear the Death Eaters coming! We've got to go inside!!

Hermione: -dull, monotone voice- No, Harry…I have to destroy this thing so they'll be able to get in….-pushes Harry away- AVADA KEDARVA!

Harry: _What the--?! 'Avada Kedarva' won't blow the gate up! She must be hypnotized…_

-gate blows up, killing Oliver Wood and Dobby in the process- (A/N: Yeah, that's random. Don't ask. This isn't MY dream.)

Harry: ….wow….-snaps out of it- DOBBY!! DOBBY!! NOOOOOOOO!!!!!! –runs over to Dobby and gives him a sock, so he would be "free"-

-Oliver Wood lies dead, forgotten-

-Death Eaters come pouring into Hogwarts, leaving Hermione and Harry outside, unharmed-

The witches and wizards of Hogwarts are in the middle of their dinner feast of pumpkin juice, cake, ice cream, chocolate, and Portuguese rolls.

-Death Eaters stream into the Great Hall-

Students: AHHHH!!! Death Eaters!! RUN!

Teachers: ….oh, dear….SAVE THE FOOD, EVERYONE!

-Death Eaters cut off all means of possible escape, leaving everyone trapped-

Death Eaters: -pointing at all the Portuguese rolls- AVADA KEDAVRA!!

Portuguese rolls: Eeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!! –drop dead (if that's possible)-

Only the Gryffindors were left holding their rolls.

Bellatrix: _Heeheehee! Lemme steal their rolls…I can give them to Master as a present!_

-Bellatrix goes over and steals all the Gryffindor's rolls, leaving them crying-

-All Death Eaters disapparate-

They all reappear at Malfoy Manor, where they report to Voldemort on their mission's outcome. After the meeting, Bellatrix gives Voldemort the rolls that she stole.

Voldemort: -handling the rolls very carefully and stuffing them down his robes- Why, thank you, Bellatrix! These are going in my….-whispers- _secret stash!! _Heehee!

Bellatrix: -pleased giggle- -kisses Voldemort on the cheek- -disapparates-

--LATER--

Voldemort goes to the highest room, in the tallest tower that makes up part of Malfoy Manor. It is here where he keeps is "secret stash" of…. Portuguese rolls.

Voldemort: -delighted giggle- Heeheehee! –counting his rolls- 100,001…100,002,…100,003…100,004…100,005…..-keeps going till he reaches 100,025- Yippeee! My collection of Portuguese rolls has grown, and now reaches 100,025 rolls! And they're all mine -picks up the nearest bunch of rolls and hugs them-

And now, I need to go steal some more!! Heehee! –runs out of room, forgetting to lock it-

Narcissa Malfoy waits outside the door, waiting till Voldmort leaves. He runs right past her. She sighs and relief and goes inside his room. She, too, loves Portuguese rolls, and she can't stand the fact that Voldmort is keeping a stash all to himself in HER house.

Narcissa: Ah, now I can finally take back what belongs to me!! –starts stuffing down as many rolls as she can fit in her robes-

-step creaks-

Narcissa finishes up quickly, and hurriedly runs out of the room---only to run right into Voldemort.

Voldemort: Now, now, Narcissa….where are you rushing off to, hmm? –looks at her robes- And why, may I ask, is the front of your robes so….unusually large, round, and lumpy?

Narcissa: -flushes- N-no reason, my Lord. I-I'm just on my way to see Lucius, so if you'd excuse me—

Voldemort: Heehee! Not so fa-ast!! … CRUCIO!!

-Narcissa writhes on the ground, and the rolls fall out of her robes-

Voldemort: AH! So you thought you'd get away with trying to steal from my…_secret stash? _Well, I don't think soo!! Crucio! Crucio! Heeheeheeheeh--??! AHHHH!! –flies backward after being hit with a spell- What the--? Who--?

Lucius Malfoy appears out of nowhere, helping his wife up. He pushes her down the stairs, a little too hard, and faces Voldemort.

Lucius: -curious, not angry- Why were you torturing my wife in our house?

Voldemort: Ahaha, Lucius, it's you!! Long time, no see! (They last saw each other a day ago.) –runs over and hugs him- Your wife was trying to steal Portuguese rolls from my….-whispers- _secret stash…_-all of a sudden perky- so I was just punishing her!! Heehee! –high pitched giggle-

Lucius: Ah, I see….So…-walks over to the room- this, I presume, is your "secret stash"?

Voldemort: Shhh!!! Not so loud!!

Lucius: Sorry…your –whispers- secret stash? Ah, it's amazing…so many Portuguese rolls…-spends 15 minutes looking around at the numerous Portuguese rolls- My Lord, I love it! So many rolls…-suddenly- AVADA KEDAVRA!!

Rolls and Voldemort: Eeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!

Voldemort: HOW DARE YOU?!

Lucius: -peppy voice- Eh, sorry!! Heehee! –skips down the steps, giggling happily-

Voldemort stands there, fuming, while planning his revenge on Lucius. Revenge was going to be….delicious. Just like his beloved Portuguese rolls.

**VOLDEMORT'S REVENGE**

--THE NEXT MORNING, AT 4AM--

Voldemort sneaks into Lucius' room and hides in a trapdoor in the ceiling above Lucius' bed. He has a whole bunch of Portuguese rolls with him.

Voldemort: -takes one roll and throws it at Lucius' head-

-bop-

Voldemort: WAKEY WAKEY, TOFU EGGS AND PORTUGUESE ROLLS!! Heehee! –maniacal high pitched laughter-

Lucius: -groans- -turns on lights- … It's—4 O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING?! AAHH! I'm going back to sleep!! –turns off lights- -pulls covers up over his head-

Voldemort: Now, now, don't be like that…. –throws another roll-

-bop-

-lights click back on-

Voldemort freezes and stays as quiet as he can.

-lights click off-

-bop- -bop- bo—

Lucius quickly turns on lights, seeing Voldemort freeze with his arm outstretched, a Portuguese roll in his hand, sticking out of the trap door.

Lucius: IT'S ONLY 4 AM, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE! STOP IT!

Voldemort: -more giggling- Heehee! I said, WAKE UP!!

Lucius: ….NO! –turns off lights-

-bop- -bop- -bop- -bop- -bop- -keeps going till 6 am-

Lucius: -tiredly rolls out of bed- Okay, okay, I'm getting up now…

--LATER, 4 PM--

Voldemort finds Lucius in the dining room of his manor, drinking and laughing with no one.

Voldmort: -holding a teddy bear and wearing pink pajama robes- It's time—to sleeeeeep!!!!!! –offers the bear to Lucius—

Lucius: -throws the bear over his shoulder- It's only 4 pm! I'm NOT GOING TO SLEEP NOW!! –conjures up a Portuguese roll and eats-

Voldemort: Ahhhhh!!! Where did you get that from?! –stares lustfully at the roll-

Lucius: …. I STOLE IT! MWHAHAHAHAHAH—chokes on the roll—HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA—

Voldemort: -sulkily walks out of room-

--5 MIN. LATER--

Voldemort walks in with a Portuguese roll shaped/scented pillow and throws it at Lucius' face.

Lucius: -still laughing- HAHAHAHAHABWAHAHAHAHAHAH---?!?!?!?

-pillow meets its target-

Lucius: AH?! What is the meaning of this….thing?! –holds pillow up and wrinkles his nose-

Voldemort: -rolls his eyes- IT'S TIME TO SLEEEEEEEEP!!

--5 MIN. LATER--

Lucius is in his room, drinking wine. Voldemort storms in and throws a roll at his glass of wine.

Voldemort: Tsk, tsk…I didn't tell you to drink! Do you want to be appear as if you have mental problems tomorrow, walking around in circles and giggling drunkenly to yourself? I _said, _IT'S TIME TO SLEEP!!!!

Lucius: _You mean, acting like you do all the time?... _–sighs and rolls his eyes- -turns off lights-

Voldemort: -quiet evil laughter-

--10 MIN. LATER—

Lucius turns the lights back on and reaches for his bottle of wine.

-bop-

Voldemort: GO TO SLEEP ALREADY!!!!

-lights turn off-

--5 MIN. LATER—

Lucius tries to sneak out the door.

Voldemort: -throws roll at him- BACK TO BED!!

Lucius: -turns lights on and glares at Voldemort- I don't wanna go to bed!! –whines-

Voldemort: -sneers-

-bop- -bop- -bop- -bop-

Lucius: Aaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!! –clutches at his hair- I can't take it anymore!!

-lights turn off-

-…silence…-

--MIDNIGHT—

Dumbledore walks in to Lucius' room.

Lucius: -snores (rather loudly)-

Dumbledore: Ah, it appears cougholdcough Lucius Malfoy is taking a nap…Let's see what's in his pockets -picks through Lucius' robes- Oooh, 1,000 galleons! It must be my VERY lucky day! …. –long pause- … one, two, three…PORTUGUESE ROLLY!! (A/N: Some spell my sister made up)

-tiny Portuguese roll floats to Lucius' head and hits it-

Lucius: Eh…what the---AHhhhhhhh!!!!! –sees Dumbledore standing in his room- What are you doing here??!

Dumbledore: -smiles happily- SURPRISE!! ….. NAKED TIME!! –throws off clothes and starts dancing around bed-

Lucius: -thinks he's hallucinating, but he's scared anyway- Eeeeeeahhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!! –picks up one of Voldemort's rolls (that was left behind) and throws it at Dumbledore-

Dumbledore: -ducks to pick up his clothes and puts them back on- -waving arms- You didn't see anything -gives Lucius a glass of wine-

Lucius: Ah, thank you….-drinks and passes out-

--NEXT MORNING—

Voldemort: -pops out of trap door- WAKEY WAKEY, TOFU EGGS AND—HEY, WHERE IS HE?!"

-skips out of room and finds Lucius downstairs, drinking-

Voldemort: -throws roll at his drink- It's too early to be drinking!! Devil child! Devil child!

Lucius: -mumbles drunkenly- Somethin's wrong with me…I had a scary dream last night..._Dumbledore_ showed up in my room and danced around me naked…-shudders and starts to cry-

Voldemort:….-pause-….-shrugs- -quietly- Well, I have something that will cheer you up…

Lucius: -perks up a little- What?

Voldemort: ….NAKED TIME!! –throws off clothes and throws a Portuguese roll at Lucius-

Lucius: -faints-

Voldemort: Heehee! …. –puts on clothes and looks at Lucius' still body- Tsk, tsk…he's done it again….Ah, well. Let's see what's in his pockets!

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**A/N: Again, most of this is from my sister's dream...weird, huh? I don't know how she ended up dreaming about this...but...um, yea. xD **


End file.
